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Apr 09, 2010

20 Things MacGyver Could Do With a Fleshlight

Phoenix Foundation employee and mullet prince MacGyver has diffused bombs with a paper clip, battled off gun toting assholes with a mop and chili powder, created distractions with a roll of toilet paper, and has fixed a leaky radiator with an egg. But what would MacGyver do if he found himself in a situation with nothing but a Fleshlight?

Let's take an in-depth look at twenty famous MacGyver situations and what he would most likely do if all he had was a Fleshlight.


20. Situation: MacGyver defuses a highly advanced nuclear warhead using a simple paper clip to short circuit the timing device, which stops right at the last second.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

19. Situation: In order to create a distraction, MacGyver connects a self-inflating life jacket, a self-inflating boat, and a signal flare together so that as the life jacket inflates it pulls the ripcord off the boat. This serves as a time-delay mechanism. As the boat inflates it sets off the pen flare.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

18. Situation: To bring down a helicopter gunship, MacGyver lassos a metal cable onto the helicopter's landing rails and connects the cable to a jeep's winch. By winding in the winch, he pulls the helicopter to the ground.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

17. Situation: MacGyver uses salt combined with sugar and a small amount of chemical enhanced weed killer to create dynamite with a battery acid trigger.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

16. Used a magnifying glass made of a hairpin and wine to read names of spies off of a watch.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

15. MacGyver opens a sound activated security lock by filling four glasses partially full of wine at different levels and playing the tones in ascending order.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

14. To open the door of a walk-in freezer, MacGyver fills the lock with water and allows it to freeze in the lock. The expansion forces the lock open.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

13. MacGyver attaches the torso and helmet of a suit of armour onto the top of a food trolley, and then attaches a makeshift motor with a battery pack, some rubber bands and an electric whisk. The whisk spins the rubber bands and they turn the wheel of the trolley. MacGyver sets the trolley off past a row of hedges to distract an automatic gun that follows movement.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

12. MacGyver and Kate use a cactus as a makeshift battery to operate a radio in order to triangulate the location of the bad-guy's radio.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

11. To stop the secret police following him, MacGyver blocks the exhaust pipe of their car with a potato in order to stall the engine.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off. (Side note: Why is Mac carrying around a potato?)

10. In order to stop a pursuing Jeep, MacGyver builds a bomb out of a fire extinguisher. He is in a plane that is being chased down a runway by several Jeeps. To stop one of them, he tapes two metal hooks to the outside of the extinguisher and removes the nozzle assembly. Then he launches it out of the plane with elastic ropes that cover the door. When the Jeep drives over the extinguisher, the hooks pierce the cylinder and it explodes.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

9. MacGyver is trying to help an eagle shot by the crossbow of a hunter. After he removes the arrow from the wing, he splints the wing with the arrow and some rags. The splint is essentially the same as any other, with the arrow serving as the inflexible component and the rags to tie it together.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

8. MacGyver builds a time-delayed device to pull a switch out of water using plastic bags, sticks, and fishing line. He fills the two bags with a water bag to the switch. He pokes a hole in that bag, letting the water slowly drain out, eventually making the whole apparatus tilt and pull the switch.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

7. Using parts of a microscope and a drop of water, MacGyver is able to read microfilm which some bad guys are after. He uses the light from the microscope to backlight the film, and the drop of water is his magnifying glass. The viewing head on this microscope is broken and not used.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

6. MacGyver creates a diversion with a rifle, a rock, some newspaper, a string, and a match. He hangs the rifle in a tree and ties the string around the rock and the trigger. The way it is tied, when the string is cut, the rifle will fire. He puts the newspaper next to the string and lights it, creating a fuse.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

5. MacGyver creates a thick fog out of ship hull cleaner and ammonia. Ship hull cleaner contains muriatic acid, which is used to clean algae off ships. It creates a fog when combined with ammonia. MacGyver fills two buckets, one with each chemical, and spreads liberally on the floor.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

4. MacGyver freed himself from handcuff captivity with a bobby pin that he got from Lisa, a soviet double-agent and one of MacGyver's many girlfriends. When he was free from the handcuffs, he couldn't use the pin to open the door of the room he was trapped in, so he used the handcuffs to pick the lock the same way he did to free himself from the handcuffs.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

3. He also builds a hot air balloon from scratch to escape from a Soviet search party. The balloon was made of homemade super-glue, old clothes, a parachute, welding equipment, a refrigerator and metal box.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

2. MacGyver fixes a compressor by replacing a broken spring with a battery holding spring from a flash light first cut off to fit. This is done in order to break up the ice between him and Mr. Curby, the father of a talented hockey player MacGyver is coaching.

Fleshlight Solution: Jack off.

1. MacGyver builds an ultralite airplane with bamboo poles, a tent, a lawnmower engine, and duct tape.

Fleshlight Solution: FLy.

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