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Jul 27, 2010

Stoya VS The Superskin

(From Stoya's Blog on XCRITIC)

These Stoya™ facts will come in handy during the next few paragraphs:

My past experiences with Texas in '09 were less than thrilling.

Sometimes I like to go on open-ended adventures with nothing more than a few changes of clothing and my phone. At the end of these, I dearly miss both laptop and washing machine.


Early this year, I agreed to have a Fleshlight made of my naughty bits (if by 'naughty bits' you mean 'vagina') on the condition that they make one of my other naughty bits (or 'anus'). They ended up also making a Fleshlight of my mouth, but my mouth usually hangs out on the 'polite' or 'filthy and offensive' ends of the spectrum and bypasses naughty, so I'd feel remiss as a linguist if I referred to it as a naughty part. While we're anthropomorphizing body parts... my vagina is *so* naughty. Also cheeky and mischievous. Possibly even sarcastic if you think about the one side of my inner labia that sticks out, kind of like a tongue blowing a raspberry. Maybe I'm totally wrong, because I spend far more time thinking about other vaginas than my own, and you guys will correct me in the forum.

Less early this year, I went to the Kentucky Derby with a friend. We had plans to drive around the south afterward and see various things. During the trip there was some confusion about precisely what Fleshlight needed from me to get this Super Skin® show on the road, which was probably due to the fact that I didn't have my computer with me and was hanging out in places with no functional cell service. The solution to this (obviously) was to show up on their doorstep in Texas.

On the way, I had numerous adventures:

- wore a giant hat and tried not to get rained on at the derby
- watched horses breed
- tried to find a Haberdashery in Atlanta, GA
- saw jewelry made out of hair during the Civil War
- rode a mechanical bull
- tried (and failed) to introduce my friend to the joys of hush
puppies in Mobile, AL
- got covered in powdered sugar in New Orleans, LA
- fired a handgun
- did a couple of phone interviews in my underwear while smoking out
of the passenger window of a red Impala
- had a long and very pleasant catch up conversation with Lithium
Picnic (who totally rocks, in case you didn't know) in Houston, TX
- drank Sake at a Johnny Cash themed bar
- learned that the tow truck was invented in Chattanooga, TN
- had dinner with a Texas lawman
- aaaaaaand...

...got this Fleshlight thing made. Maybe you've heard of them. They're pretty nifty. Perhaps even ultraplus. Now I'm pretty sure that Texas isn't so bad.

Even less early this year, I had to go back to Texas to do some promo photos like the one above. Posing for promo photos is a not-so-glamorous process that results in pretty pictures that hopefully inspire people to buy whatever it is we're selling with them, but this can all be saved for Part 2.

Part 2 involves Detroit, a 7 am airport techno fiesta, a twitter-induced meet-up with strangers who I should have met by now, absinthe, some genre of music called Sissy Bounce, more sake, a super wacky night on the town, the crustiest motel in the history of highways, a lesbian wedding, and another whole gaping ass-ton of sitting in the passenger seat of a car. Part 2 most definitely exists in my brain, but the chances of it reaching you in text form any time soon are 50/50.

In the meantime, I'd suggest you entertain yourself with my Fleshlight and your penis. Or if you're a woman, try frottage. There are more nerve endings per square inch in your clitoris than anywhere else, and what better to rub it with than my pussy? Ok, maybe not so much, but you have to give me points for trying.

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